So, why not say what you mean and mean what you say?
As a society, we have a hard time saying what we mean and being assertive. Studies like this one from Columbia show that being too assertive and not assertive enough are both shown as weaknesses in leaders.
We are a culture of sugar-coating and not being fully honest – we skirt the truth because that little white lie doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. But I must ask, wouldn’t we all be less confused if people said what they really meant?
“I’ll call you,” meaning “I won’t call you.”
“I’ll pay you back,” meaning “I’ll pretend I forgot because I don’t have the money.”
“I’m almost there,” meaning “I just got in the car to head to meet you.”
“We should clean the house,” meaning “You should clean the house.”
“Let’s get together soon,” meaning “I don’t have time to get together.”
“It’s fine,” meaning “Not really, but I’ll get over it.”
“This office meeting will be quick,” meaning “This office meeting is going to suck an hour out of your day.”
Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we skipped the double meanings? There would be fewer confusing relationships, fewer puzzling business meetings, and more productivity in all our lives if we just got the message delivered clearly and to the point.
Probably the most common instance of people not saying what they mean is the use of the phrase, “I don’t care.” Maybe there are some everyday things that aren’t that important to you – however, “I don’t care” is typically not how the person truly feels about the subject at hand.
Being Authentic and Real
Being authentic means being genuine. Genuine means being real, honest, and frank. Being real means not being an imitation or artificial. In a relationship, whether it is a business, partner, or friend – can we all agree that meaningful associations should be genuine, real, honest, and not artificial?
When we say what we really mean, it can reduce the drama of future arguments or hurt feelings. Let me explain:
Your best friend loves this dress and you honestly don’t think it’s flattering on her. But when she asked your response was “You look gorgeous in that.” Now she has a presentation and is excited to wear the dress to impress top executives, but you know that is not the type of dress to wear during a presentation. You now must be honest, because you were afraid to say what you meant the first time; at this point, she’s going to be self-conscious about whatever else she picks out of the closet because you didn’t tell her the truth on round one.
Telling the truth and avoiding the sugar-coating doesn’t have to be mean. Start with a question like “Can I tell you the truth? I would want someone to do the same for me.” I am pretty sure your honesty after will go a long way.
Let’s all build relationships that are real and authentic, and then there is no concern of double meanings. Mean what you say, so it doesn’t come back to haunt you in the future.
